Thursday May 22nd 2008
Is it me or is this week dragging? I guess I can't wait for the three day weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Saturday we hope to get slave barb's tattoo completed and I have my overdue eye check up. Then I hope to get our butts to the Leatherman for a little shopping.
A long time ago I promised slave barb that I would make paper with her. The process seems very cool and fun and it's something I really want to do with her. So I'm looking very forward to doing an art project with my slave girl. I'm hoping this will get me off my butt and inspire me to paint. I already have the vision of this semi abstract painting drawn up and in my head. I need to get cracking on this. I think fear of failure is holding me back. Is there any failure in art? Creativity should take on it's own vision, even it it strays from your initial thoughts. I'm just so set in my ways. Maybe I can use art to break free a little.
My workday was good. It was busy but good. My workout was excellent. I love a good bi and tri workout. What sucks is I'm in the middle of a MAsT Metro dispute. I'm certainly not going to tell the details here but like all families we are having a tiff over some issues. Everyone's right, nobody is wrong, it's a clash of vision and passion. I wasn't thrilled with my initial responses but I'm very happy with my second ( actually my third) effort. I'm hoping to sell the idea of compromise.
One last thing that's on my mind. I think I tortured myself today. This torture was not a good torture. Self educed mental torture is very rarely a good thing. I started to think about slave barb's upcoming biopsy. I read way too much information and although most of what I read is very positive I still allowed negative and sad thoughts to take over my mind. I think I really put myself in a quite tizzy. I need to think positive. That's not always my strongest point. Especially in these situations. I guess I just carry too much baggage from childhood. Too many bad results and brutal illness to count. I need to remember that the situations of the past have nothing to do with this new situation. I need to be able to lead, I need to be able to be positive, I need to not let dark thoughts cloud who I really am and what I preach. My dark thoughts will only detract from who I am and who slave barb is. Dark thoughts will only detract from the amazing strength that we have together. Science and spirit, sometimes that's a tough balancing act. Any thoughts?
Any thoughts, You ask? Hmm.... well, i'm actually going to blast You here!
i am not Your baggage:
i am not the outcome of Your Mother's illness.
i am not the outcome of Johnny's cancer.
You've lived with me through one potentially life taking (and definitely life changing) illness and experienced a positive outcome. i am alive: spleenless but healthy.
You know plenty of people who are living with long term, chronic illness and are kicking ass every single day! (Hi Joe Cornish! Hi Master Alex! Hi Master Taino!)
So please put Your negativity in a burlap sack with some heavy rocks and throw it off the nearest bridge.
Than is all. slave rant is concluded.
PS:
Oh, yes... one more thing....Your spiritual advisor would like to suggest that rather than try to Master or lead though an illness, that perhaps You try letting go and just being present.
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It makes sense that you're worried. You clearly love slave barb and this whole thing is scary.
You've done the reading and that's great. Continue to empower yourself with knowledge so that you'll be ready for anything that comes alone.
Then remember that you are an intelligent, strong person. That along with the research you've been doing should be a foe that'll knock that biopsy (and its results) right out of the park. You can handle and overcome anything, Master Larry. Don't forget that.
......but don't neglect your other feelings too. You'll definitely come out ahead in the long run, but it all is so unfair and scary. To your credit, this is about you too. Don't be too hard on yourself for being a gentle, caring guy.
Yes, Barb is right about you needing to be present for her. She is an amazing person, though. Let her be there for you too.
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i cared for my late Master through 3 heart surgeries, breast cancer and thyroid cancer. i understand Your feelings. The absolute worst is seeing the one you love in pain and not being able to do anything for them. Yes, try to remain positive, but sometimes You need to talk about Your fears and anxiety. See my remarks about thyroid cancer on Barb's blog. i hope it helps.
remy
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